Boys Don't Cry

Men are from Mars. Mars is the Roman god of War. I don't think Men, as a rule, must be violent and full of bloodlust. But I do think that it should take a lot to reduce a Man to tears.

My father -- rock steady and solidly grounded. I've seen him outright angry. I've seen him excitedly happy. I've seen him valiantly masking his disappointment and fears. But only once have I seen him cry. He didn't cry when his father died. He didn't cry when we were so scarce of money we wondered how our family would survive. Only once in my whole lifetime -- long or short depends on one's perspective. Only once did my father succumb to tears and that was during a time my mother was so sick that she stopped breathing for a while.

To see a Man such as my father commit an act so innocent and common among their female counterparts -- too see any Man cry -- is for me, something entirely disturbing. It shakes the foundations of the ideology I have held on to ever since the time when I could understand the differences between males and females -- Man is stronger than Woman. Not necessarily better, not necessarily smarter. Simply that the extra Y in their chromosomes enable them greater physical strength and a higher resistance to tears.

So when my mother stopped breathing and my father's tears came, I felt like it was the end of the world. The unmovable mountain of dependability that my father represented had come crashing down with one drop of that saline seepage. Every worst case scenario I could imagine seemed about to come true.

Seeing my father's tears, something hardened in me. I took care of everything while my father took my mother to the hospital, all the while not producing a single tear myself. I would have taken care of everything even if my father had not cried but I would have sobbed and sniffled all the way. Deprived of my tears, I don't know how I looked while I comforted the youngest ones, Yusof and Betty Jane, and put them to bed. I wonder if I managed to put on the front that had crumbled on my father's facade. I hope I did.

My father hasn't shed one single tear since. I don't blame him for his moment of weakness. He remains that dependable mountain that shields this Daddy's Girl from everything undesirable. I hope I don't ever have to lose that mountain again. It is so scary when a Man cries. As a female, I can take up the reigns if a Man relinquishes his hold on them. I can even survive quite fine without a Man to take care of my life. But having a Man in front of me break down and cry....It will happen again, inevitably. I just hope I'll be prepared for that when it comes.